Newton

	Newton
	File:Newton.jpg; Newton, suffering from a severe cold.
Born	In Lindsay Lohan's vagina
Age	Dead
Occupation	Attempted therapist

Sir Isaac Newton, born sometime in the past, (lived from the 1600s-whenever) was a lawyist (person who created a lawsuit), actor, and father who had a texting addiction as he would spend half of his life texting his friends and such, which was something he shared with John Adams, his best friend and lawyer who worked at McDonalds most of his life. He was most famous for coming up with the lawsuit ever since that apple fell on his head and he sued Apple Inc. for it (or something).

However, besides the lawsuit, he also had some laws that me made up, because he was very into business and how it worked, and so he creatively named the laws Newton's Laws of Motion, due to the fact that he ~~pwned~~ owned the laws and had made them up. But that's not what your Science teacher thinks.

No one knows how he died or if he died because one day he broke out of jail and was never to be seen again after a glimpse of him in the woods that same day, which was made by some old, random lady that Newton claims to have married at one point in his life.

So there are still conspiracy theories going around that says Newton is still alive, hiding somewhere in the middle of a desert in Arizona, surviving on cactus juice and weed. They also said that he has an atomic bomb and plans to blow up the world in 2012. So that can add to many of the theories going on about that.

History[]

Birth[]

Newton, surprisingly, encountered a whole bunch of adventures throughout his lifetime. Before he was even born, he was concious in his mother's womb and was making friends via the texting service that cell phones offered. But he had a bad plan and so he used up all his minutes in an hour (and somehow he had 400 minutes monthly that he could use).

Also, while in the womb, he created a MySpace and named it The Awesome Newton because he had friends who would call him that and such and so what. Yeah......

Childhood[]

Newton's childhood is difficult to explain, due to the fact that, in video interviews, Newton often claimed, especially while in his twenties, what is quoted here in an interview between him and Barbara Meeks (you don't know her):

Barbara: "Yeah, so I hear that you have children? How old are you?"
Newton: "Yeah, I'm twenty-three....I have sixty-three children."
Barbara: "Your house isn't big enough to fit sixty-three children in."
Newton: "I'm sorry what'd you say? I fell asleep."
Barbara, angrily: "Your house isn't big enough to fit sixty-three children in, is it?"
Newton: "Sure it is. We have plenty of room. We just pile them on top of each other, Paula and me."
Barbara: "Oh.... Okay then. How old are they?"
Newton: "I'm sorry, what?"
Barbara, even more angrily: "The children. How old are the children?"
Newton: "They are in their twenties now. They all moved out."
Barbara: "But you just said-"
Newton: "Well I lied. I'm actually twenty-six."
Barbara: "But that still doesn't make any sense, I mean-"
Newton, pulling out a gun, says: "Terrorist!" and then shoots Barbara twice, killing her instantly. He runs out of view from the camera, holding a stick of celerey.

So it shows that Newton was eccentric his whole life, not just at old age. What's this got to do with his childhood, though? Well, it explains that he lies a lot to make himself look cooler, and he's said a lot of weird things about his childhood. Luckily, just like Michael Jackson, there was a camera that filmed him his entire life. Why? Well....

Substance abuse[]

File:Car crash.jpg

Newton's car after the crash.

Newton had a problem with alcohol from when he was in his mid-twenties to his mid-forties. He also smoked a whole lotta weed in his spare time, which could explain why his laws of motion are the way they are today.

On July 17, 1670 something (no one really kept track of the days back then), Newton was arrested for speeding down Highway 164 in Los Angeles, California and then crashing into a house, and was all seen by a police officer who calculated a breathalizer reading from Newton of 12.82, which is over twelve thousand times the California drinking limit. It was said that Newton had drank 1,660 beers that day, which went into the Guiness Book of World Records.

He was in jail for quite a while before he broke out and was never to be seen again.

Newton's three laws of motion[]

Newton's three laws of motion stated that:

First law[]

When a bullet is travelling faster than you can catch it, it is not allowed to go through your eye, but instead must go through your mouth or heart, because if it goes through your eye, I'll sue it.

Second law[]

Objects that don't drink or smoke weed will be executed via gas chamber.

Third law[]

Dinosaurs shall walk the Earth again. If they don't, they will be shot and killed.

Note that he didn't make much sense anyway because he was almost always high or on crack or drinking.

Personal tastes[]

Newton has claimed that he mostly prefers to listen to Slipknot, The Offspring, Metallica, and AC/DC as they are his favorites, but that he also likes to listen to Akon, Rihanna, and 50 Cent. His favorite movies include Date Movie, Epic Movie, Scary Movie, Scary Movie 2, Scary Movie 4, The Blues Brothers, Superhero Movie, Shark Tale, and Disaster Movie.

Trivia[]

Newton was the first person to ever acquire rabies.
He invented the dolphin
Newton claimed he invented time, too
Newton has, in his lifetime, shot a total of sixty-six police officers, twelve presidents, nineteen military officers, six terrorists, fort-four hundred thousand people he claimed were terrorists, and three aliens.